when there is nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire...

Saturday, May 06, 2006

the "eh" philosophy

had an interesting moment of reflection the other night. a friend of mine, after watching the student theater production of rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead, started talking, then began walking and didn't stop until 2 or so hours later. in my fast paced, moment-to-moment, stressed student lifestyle, i have few moments to pause and reflect, or to just talk to someone and connect.
for the first time in months, i thought back to spring of senior year, and found myself almost completely unable to articulate how i crashed. it always sounds overdramatic, or bizarre, as if it didn't really happen, or as if i'm describing someone else. as i was laying in bed the other night, i went over in what had happened in my mind, trying to make some sense of it (as i have done numerous times, but have always failed to come to some sort of greater comprehension or understanding). i realized that my tendency towards depression has sort of evaporated since i've come to colgate, or at least i've grown out of it at any rate. i've been more content here than i think that i've ever been. i still have a lot of trouble sleeping, and i've had some trying times, but nothing even close to last spring.
in thinking about this year, and who i am now, i realize how much i've changed. it's quite dramatic, and i'm not sure yet how i feel about it (whether or not its a change for the better). all i can think is how damned ironic it is - that the same place that instigated my depression has sort of saved me, changed me, and made me feel content for the first time. going home, i can't wait to see people. i want to see everyone and socialize, try to foster that same sense of happiness that i have here.

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